Fear

Fear. Paralyzing. Immobile. All encompassing. Where does it come from? How does it have the power to take over a person and freeze them in place? Now, I am not a scientist, but I do know the feeling, and I know that I have recently felt that fear in my life a few times. I mean, I have felt it more in my life, but within the last month, I have felt this fear twice. Now you may be asking, "Janel, why are you telling us this?" If you are asking that, I want to say that is an excellent question. I am telling you this, so I can use myself as an example of ways to either push past, or motivate yourself using the all consuming fear that threatens to trap us.

The first time I had one of the moments of all encompassing fear, it was also, thankfully, accompanied by joy. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I just graduated from Full Sail with my BFA in Creative Writing for Entertainment. I believe I mentioned as well, and I know I should check, but you are just going to have to go with me here on just this one post, that I was going to try and get my Master's in Game Design. Through several different steps, the I was becoming more and more officially accepted. Yesterday, became the most official that it could get. I was accepted and completed my orientation process. As soon as the reality hit that I would be starting over again in school, and that I would have to do another year of a balancing act, I was struck by fear. Don't get me wrong. This is something I am passionate about, and that I want. Yet, the fear was still there. The fear was still overbearing.

I began to wonder if I was good enough. I began to doubt myself. I struggled at times, in my BFA program. With working full time, going to school full time, and things going on in my personal life, I felt I didn't have enough time. I felt that I was failing myself and my program at times. My mind, and my fear, reminded me that with my M.S. program I was going to have to put in even more time with school. I then would ask and answer myself, and never in a positive light. The conversation would go as follows: "Do I have the time to put towards this with the extra work? No, of course I don't because I am already a failure." My thought processes panicked becoming worse, and filling with more self hatred as they went. (I will save you from having to read it all, because I do not want to put those thoughts in your head.) But then, a miracle happened. A friend came to my rescue. And in the beginning, I would have just considered this person an acquaintance. But after the amazing advice and joy they gave me, their status in my book definitely upgraded.

All they said was, "If you have fear, then you have something to lose." I was stopped dead in my tracks. I was caught off guard that this person I barely knew was taking the time to help me. I was also surprised that they even realized I was spiraling. How did this stranger recognize the signs of fear? I had been at work when it hit, and I was able to work through the fear, but I wasn't truly focused on the work at hand. I just continued to stare at him. He simply smiled and went back to work. I made my way back to work, and let his words echo in my head.

I realized after having the words on repeat, that he was absolutely right. This fear was just here to let me know that if I didn't dedicate the time I needed to the task at hand, I would miss out on an opportunity to reach my goals. Going back to school for my M.S. will help me out greatly. It will give me a leg up when applying to jobs in the game industry. It will also teach me how to be more versatile. I will learn to do more than right. I will learn coding, and designing and setting up a game. I will be a more rounded candidate for employers to pick. So, I am using that fear as a reminder how much I want this and to push forward.

The most recent fear happened today. My wife got her first COVID vaccine yesterday. Now she has never had any ill effects to vaccines in her life, and has had the Flu Vaccine and the most that has happened is some tenderness at the injection site. We know that this vaccine is new. We know that it hasn't been tested for years, but we also know people who have received it. We know out of those people, no one really felt anything out of the norm. Just typical injection site tenderness. With that in mind, we thought nothing of her getting the vaccine. (I will be getting mine on Friday, but I have elected to go with the Johnson & Johnson one because those who are allergic to your typical flu shot, can get that one and be okay. So here is to hoping the same applies with the COVID vaccine.) We went after work, she got her vaccine.

We live about 45 minutes to an hour away from where we went for her vaccine. Yes there are places that are closer, but we trust the pharmacy where we pick up our meds, and he has been a very amazing and helpful man. So that was where we went. As we were leaving, she was fine but her arm was already a bit sore. She said it was like a Tetanus shot kind of sore. All normal things. By the time we made it home, she had a bit of a headache. However, we were late on eating dinner, so we brushed it off as that. We eat dinner and her headache starts to away. We relax and slowly wind down from the day. But about half an hour after dinner she was starting to feel even worse. She went to lay down early. She had to take some meds at nine, so when I went to check on her, I realized she was flushed looking.

I took her temp and it was 99.3. A little high, but it was okay. Still all normal. She may not have ever had symptoms, but everything she had been feeling up to this point was normal. I decided to check her injection site, and it was swollen like it would be after a Tetanus shot, but nothing alarming. I let her go back to sleep, thinking that in the morning everything will be better. I hadn't begin to feel fear yet. All of the signs were within standards and perfectly normal reactions. I finished everything I needed to do, and I went to bed as well. She was radiating heat, and she was groaning slightly in her sleep. She normally lays on her left side, and the injection site was in her left arm. So every time she would try to roll in her sleep, she would let out a slight groan of pain and roll back to her right. Eventually her sleeping brain registered not to roll, and she was as peaceful as one could be with a fever for the rest of the night.

Morning is when the fear began to kick in. I woke up first, as I always do on a work morning, and began my routine. I got my coffee brewing and began my daily routine. She was groaning some in her sleep, so I decided to take her temp. 100.4. Now I was starting to become afraid. The fear was starting to grow. Her temp was rising. I contacted my bosses, and let them know I was going to be late because I needed to pick up some Tylenol. They understood. I got her Tylenol, and her fever finally broke. The fear was just about to pass when I realized that her arm up to her shoulder had become swollen. The fear kicked into overdrive. I then let my boss know that I wasn't going to make it in at all. Her arm, shoulder and working her way to her neck and throat. If it had gotten there, we would have been making a trip to the emergency room. They Tylenol wasn't touching the swelling. I had her sleep so more.

While she slept, I checked to make sure she was breathing every five minutes. I couldn't focus on anything. I would check to see if the swelling was at least attempting to go down. I tried to distract myself and write this sooner. But I couldn't. My main concern was making sure my wife was okay and woke up for another day. I was panicking. I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't know what to do. But, by some miracle, the swelling started to go down. I was relieved. It was moving away from her neck. The fever was gone, and has stayed gone, thankfully. The swelling has attempted to come back a few times, but we are still doing all we can to ensure that it stays gone, and doesn't reach the danger zone. The pharmacist and all the literature says that this should pass within the first 48 hours. So we still have another day where things run the risk of being touch and go.

You may be wondering exactly how I conquered or used this fear. Well, I had to push past it. I knew that I couldn't let it consume me because if I did, I could have lost my wife. To push past the fear of her throat swelling, I had to remember that I was her lifeline. I was the only one around who could do anything to keep her safe. I had to find a reason, and she was my reason. Sometimes, though the fear can be all consuming, you have to remember to find a reason. I was her superhero in that moment. She is always mine, but I pushed past the fear so that for once I could be hers.

Sometimes in life when fear hits you, you have to look around, and see if you can find a reason to fight. You have to see if there is someone or something that needs you enough that you can use that as motivation to push past the fear. The human mind is a wonder and can overcome so much when it has a powerful enough reason. Now that is not to say it can overcome everything, but it can work some miracles. Sometimes.

Now I am not saying that these two things will work all the time. It may not work when you need it to the most. But I want to use this as a reminder to still try, even when it feels terrifying and impossible. I want you to try and find a reason to fight the fear. You are so much stronger than you realize. You are a superhero for yourself. You are a fighter. You have made it this far in life, and I know you can make it even farther. I know you may be exhausted and fear may be too much at times.

I am going to leave you with this. Amelia Shepard, from Grey's Anatomy, once learned that when you stand in the superhero stance, it can help your brain realize that you can accomplish and do the thing. So if you are ever struggling too much, I want you to take up the superhero stance for five uninterrupted minutes, no matter where you are.